You Might Also Like
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.