If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
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Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
me doing my best
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
The opposite of Iceland is water water
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.