Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
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him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
(Jupiter –
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.