Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
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2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…