I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
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eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!