Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
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Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Beware of fowl play.