I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
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You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.