Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.