A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
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Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
British websites use biscuits.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for