*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
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dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.