Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
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[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
HERE’S MARKY
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.