WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
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Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle