You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
You Might Also Like
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
kevin is now a local weatherman
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*