Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
You Might Also Like
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Oh deer
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”