Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
3% human
97% stress
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old