Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
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My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Intelligence is the new cleavage
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”