This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
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If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.