Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
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LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Who knew!
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
me adding lol on a serious message
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?