#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
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13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.