[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
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Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think