pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
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A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Every house has this drawer
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Who says great literature is dead?
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train