Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
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Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.