If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
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Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Husband of the year 😂
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down