I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
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Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
sensitive skin
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET