My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
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Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Natty or not?
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
*Inspirational Tweets*
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
dogs can find happiness so easily