So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
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i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
What if all the cashiers are married?
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!