This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
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Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Life hack
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then