HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
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My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
The best shot in the history of golf
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame