You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
You Might Also Like
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
I just tested negative for patience.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes