Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
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Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.