When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
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Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I really had high hopes for this year though
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids