Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
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When he asks for feet pics
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
And then there were 4
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*