[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
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I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*