Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
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me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
The fall of Netflix
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
step 6: release the wall snake
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.