I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
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Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!