I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
What do you hear?
Seems legit
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
waiting for halloween be like:
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.