I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
You Might Also Like
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
translated into Canadian
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.