addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
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her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
This kinda thing happens to me often
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
men are simple creatures
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf