Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
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*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.