Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
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I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.