Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
You Might Also Like
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.