[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
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Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.