I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
You Might Also Like
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.