Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
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Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.