Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
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When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
#oldknees
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I hope this email finds you in a well
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell