*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
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What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨