My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
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I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.