Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
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My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl