If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
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I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.