IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
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My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
dutch is not a serious language
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Jurassic park gets weird
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.